Awake but dreaming...

The night was getting lonelier by 3:30 AM. His roomie who was still employed was deep asleep in the room gearing up for the day ahead. He, however, was not so lucky in the lay offs that took place. No work to do and all that he had is himself to decide what next. People had given him words of wisdom to take this as positively and decide what he really wanted to do. Apart from the money and may be the stature that his family enjoyed back in his small hometown due to his high pay, there was nothing much enticing in his job. Had it been for his choice, he'd certainly wont get back into this again.

Sleeping was definitely not on the agenda. Though he held records back in his college for sleeping. He could sleep no matter what, not that his intake of 5 Gold Flakes in past 4 hours helped him stay awake. After all, he got to use his roomie's company laptop only in the night when he was asleep. He'd already done all that he could muster to apply here and there with possibly not much of conviction, but just a blind shot. Apparently he was fond of the quote,"You miss hundred percent of the shots you never take." to such an extent that he even got it printed it on a t-shirt back in his college. So there was not much "productive use" for the laptop, as some workaholics may put it. TV Channels in the night again did not have much to offer either. Be it repeated news on the news channels, Non-hindi channels that not much of the people have the shittiest of idea about, or shitty Mithun-da era movies on Movie channels, or may be repeated movies on HBO, or repeated shows on MTV, or even that saas-bahu crap : He scrolled all the 100 channels in 5 minutes. But nothing. May be it was TVs own way of saying to him : "Get a life you loser !"

He' d been through all the stuff in his hard drive again and again: Movies, Seasons of South Park, Friends or whatever. He did not however touch photos of his wing back in the college days, that used to make him nostalgic at times. All that he was left with the internet to browse through. He was thinking as to what to choose, and then smiled himself. "As though you could make that decision, you silly." he said to himself. He knew he was not good at making choices, not that he did not make any in his life. But he hated being in that spot. He used to say," Life is always better for those who do not have a choice to make." May be he never was at the receiving end of the situation he was talking about, nevertheless, he had the liberty and he used it, more often than not. Stuck amongst these thoughts, his concentration broke with the beep of his watch. It was 4:00 AM already and it was time to rush to the chaiwaalas place near the call centre to eat his favourite dish Poha . He liked the taste of it, to a variable extent depending on how close what that place to his town, but mostly he found it good anywhere. He kept the TV open, may be it was his way to reply to the TV," Up yours!". This was now becoming his daily practice, as he used to stay up in the night quite often for applying for jobs everywhere and the poha break used to be the perfect excuse.

But this night was different, he had nothing to do but to wander amongst his driving thoughts which reminded him to do something. Do what, nobody knows, but something! While finishing off his tea and sutta in the cold, his eyes grew wide open all of a sudden. He had a flash of thought, a question that he had not dared to venture upon quite often. He tried answering it many a times back in his college days, but failed to. May be this was the reason that he had given up answering it. The question was: "What does your heart want?" So general and open ended. Needless to say, it had choices to be made and he never wanted to make a choice. He just wanted to be a part of the flow, yet wanted to be who had achieved great heights in life. Within a flash of a second, he knew his dream for long was to join the army. The honour and pride that follows with the profession, the life-long adventure and the love for the uniform: What not it had to offer ? It was worth the hardships that one came across. Dying on the border or war was however not on what he had considered. He thought, "Everyone dies, its just a matter of how and when. If its written that way, so be it." and then remembering it as one of the dialogues of one of the enormous war movies he had seen. He knew he did not have to make a choice, he had to just follow orders there. Not to make a choice : Bingo ! It had everything he wanted. He rushed back to his flat in haste, with only one thought in his head. He went over the website to find out how he could apply, he knew those inadvertently as he used to do that quite often. He knew he could do it !

By the time dawn came near, he had seen the war movies he had: Lakshya and LOC Kargil, again for the umpteenth time now ! Dialogues of movies as Shaurya, Men of Honor, A Few good men, Full Metal jacket from youtube followed next. Posts on the net by the war veterans about the Kargil war came next. All this kept reinforcing whatever zeal that he had. And then the sun rose, with the national anthem choirs from the nearby school. He stood up in honor. He remembered that he always insisted in going to movie theatres before time just to stand in honor of the national anthem which they played before the movies in Mumbai. He repeatedly used to read the biography and related content on the Kargil war heroes, Capt. Vikram Batra, the Param-Vir-Chakra (Posthumous) being his favourite.

"Soye nahi be?"His roomie appeared all of a sudden.

"Nahi be bas aise hi time ka pata nahi chala". He tried to make an excuse.

Roomie, grabbed and lighted a Gold Flake and went to answer his nature's call as usual. He never understood this. " Was it the cigarette that triggers the switch or is it otherwise?" he thought. He knew it were the last 15 minutes of the laptop for the day. He loved making tea for him and the roomie in the morning as a daily custom, where he used to bombard his roomie with the trivia related to the army these days.

"Jaldi aa jaana be aaj, aajkal bahut late aane lage ho saale." he told his roomie who was leaving for his office as a daily custom these days. His roomie too used to nod as a custom..... and then come up with reasons for being late in the evening starting with," Bhaiyya kaa kare...."

Normally after his roomie left for office, he used to crashed in the bed. He had planned to stay awake, for he had to follow up by calling in various offices about his job opportunities. Just to stay awake, he got back to his TV, his companion for most part of the time when the laptop was not around. A couple of hours passed by in hibernation and he called up a his friend's brother who was an ex-serviceman. He talked, and talked long over the phone with him, almost for an hour, exchanging thoughts over joining the army. He was explicit over what was going through in his mind and conveyed it well. He was well aware of the pros and cons and realistic facts that existed : he being from IIT, parents factor, money factor, career progression and everything that could have possibly held him back. He knew these facts, whether he realized them for real or not, was a different story altogether. The Capt. in the end told him what he wanted to hear, that he had enough passion to join the army and should go if this is what he really wanted. He was happy, he sat back and contemplated for a while. He wanted to know if this was a mere spontaneous feeling or real passion. He dwelled in the past, he knew he never felt so strongly for something last he knew. All those times he spent searching about the army, reading about various details, he had never done that for anything. It was not that he used to get in front of a mirror and see his body build (for he was a lean guy and he knew it). It was in his mind. He knew it, it was his passion. (Or atleast close to it)

His thoughts finally broke when something broke his concentration looking at his watch. He finally remembered to make those calls in offices for the job follow up. He made a follow-up call, to a guy in the competitor company for the same work profile that he was doing before he was laid off. After he hung up, his emotion was unusual at best. He had not seen himself like that. He was too occupied to think. Occupied in what, even he wasn't aware. He just crashed into his bed. May be he was not in a position to think or he was tired since he was up for long now.

Any other day, he would have been asleep within minutes given the "sleeper" he was. Somehow this day was different. Amidst the creepy fan noise, he rose up and lighted another Gold Flake . Then various thoughts flew through his mind in discrete order: he living off with a salary which would be at best one-fifth than he was earning lately, staying at fronts with his parents being not-so-satisfied with his salary(who would always have issues with him being in the army, specially his sensitive mother), his relationship with his girl that would no longer continue for sure. Above all, he'll have to forget that he was from IIT: the only commendable achievement that he had earned, and the fact that his education will be put to use to some technical work that he'll be eventually landing into and "he would have had no choice". He did not want to be in that place. For him, joining the army meant joining the "armed forces" and doing some soldiering around. (His dream was to get into Rashtriya Rifles, the best!) But the former seemed inevitable. His cigarette was over and he went to bed, but his mind was running. May be this was what people actually meant by the word "realization".

He did not open eyes until e saw his roomie changing his office clothes.

"Kya be, saale phir late aaye tum aaj." he complained (as though he was waiting the whole day for him like a loyal housewife)

"Bhaiya kaa kare... gaadi nahi thi. Wait karte rahe hum." as the roomie explained lighting the Gold Flake.

He was indifferent, for he was used to hear this daily. So was the roomie, as he was used to speak this daily.

"Aur batao, phone be baat kiye the aaj job ke liye kisi se?" Roomie passed over the cigarette to him.

Taking a deep puff inside, and halting for a second, he said,"Haan be, Halliburton (competitor company) mein baat kiye the aaj. "

"To phir kya hua ?", roomie taking the sutta back.

He smiled ," Interview call aa gayi finally."

Roomie smiled back," Bhaiya very good , bahut acche !!!" They both knew it would be going to be easy for him to get into this company.(If everything went okay.)

He stared for a moment at his Indian Military Academy t-shirt on the hanger nearby which read on the back," If death comes to me before I prove my blood, then swear I'll kill death." and then looked for a moment at the IMA Emblem on the t-shirt.

Gazing towards his roomie for a while as he dumped the cigarette, he exhaled the last smoke he spoke," Haan be chalo sahi ho gaya, ab dekho saala sab sahi ho to jaldi se ho interview, aur jaldi se lage naukri pe. Kyu be ? Theek hai naa ?"

"Yess Yess"..... they both smiled as he gave a look at the IMA T-shirt once again.

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Sandeep.